Top 5 Horrifying Things That Happened to American Girl Dolls

Let's face it; in the 90s, owning an American Girl doll was like being in a cult.  Your doll (or dolls, because let's face it, if you only had one she would get lonely when you left the room and she came to life) was a testament not only to your personality but also your fashion sense.  Personally, I owned Samantha first (she IS the prettiest and richest.  And I'm pretty sure she turns into Sybil Crawley from Downton Abbey when she grows up), then I bought Kirsten (I was obsessed with the Oregan Trail and Kirsten was about the same time period; her clothes came in handy with the other dolls) and finally Josephina (her hair was the longest). But the truest, bluest American Girl owners did not only purchase the dolls, they bought and read every book of every doll out there, which frankly tought us more about history than most public schools. You may call American Girl Dolls bougeouis, but there is one thing you can't deny : their lived were EFFED UP. Here are the top 5 ways.

#5 - FELICITY MERRIMAN'S RELATIONSHIP WITH HER MOTHER

In Felicity's 3rd book "Merry Christmas, Felicity," Felicity is invited to the Governer's Ball, which is pretty much equivalent to being on the list for Vanity Fair's Oscar Party. And, like any girl in either situation, Felicity becomes obsessed with wearing the perfect dress to the ball. So obsessed that she pressures her mother into finishing the dress, until her mother gets so sick she almost dies.  Luckily, Felicity still makes it to the ball. Oh, and her mom lives - which is more than I can say for a lot of the characters in the American Girl Doll series...

#4 NELLIE, HER PARENTS, AND THE FACTORY

Nellie isn't an original American Girl Doll - she's actually Samantha's poor friend, and Sam's neighbor's servant.  But in "Samantha Learns a Lesson," Nellie proves she can do a lot more than polish the silver - she tells Samantha about her life working in a factory to support her family, and describes in detail how one girl got her scalp ripped off in the machine.  Let me repeat that for you - one girl got her SCALP RIPPED OFF in a machine.  Shit. Gets. Real.  Luckily for Nellie, her life gets a lot easier..I mean, after her parents die and she and her sisters are placed in a cruel orphanage, Samantha breaks them out and hides them in her uncle's attic until he adopts them.  Sure, Nellie's story ends happily...but I can't help but think that after watching machine literally eat a girl, you don't come back from that.



#3 - KIRSTEN AND MARTA

Kirsten and her family make the arduous journey from Sweden to New York, and then from New York to Minnesota - so you know Kirsten is one tough chick.  But before she even gets to her new home, she has to say goodbye to her best friend, Marta.  In an incredibly touching scene Marta tells Kirsten just to look at the sun whenever she misses her, because no matter where she is in the world Marta will be looking at the same sun.

Then Marta dies.

#2 SAMANTHA'S PARENTS

We learn in the first book that Samantha is an orphan, raised by her grandmother (Grandmary - who bears a STRIKING resemblance to Maggie Smith.  Again, #Downton Abbey). But we learn in the 4th book, "Samantha Saves the Day," just exactly HOW her parents came to meet Jesus.  And it ain't pretty.  Long story short, they drowned outside their summer home - and Samantha and her cousins nearly meet the same end as well when they go on a boating adventure.  Sidebar: how exactly was 9-year-old Samantha able to save herself and her cousins when her parents, who were presumably in their late 20s/early 30s, couldn't? You know she has some lifelong guilt over that.

#1 ADDIE, HER WHOLE LIFE, BUT ESPECIALLY HER BROTHER

Addie, the escaped slave who needs to learn how to read in the first book, is far and away the most baller of the American Girl Dolls.  But since Addy's whole life-story is bad-ass, let's just focus on her relationship with her brother.  

In the first book, Addy watches her brother whipped and then sold to another plantation.  We know nothing about his whereabout until the fourth book, "Happy Birthday, Addy!" when Addy is performing at a State Fair.  She's using a puppet and having him tell jokes to the audience, telling jokes that her older brother used to tell her.  Then she hears a familiar voice in the crowd: "That riddle's so easy, my baby sister could answer it!" Addy runs out from behind the stage to find her brother, who had also escaped from his plantation and had fought in the Civil War.  Joyful tears abound.  And now you're asking, 'What's so horrific about that, Meredith?'

Um, well, he also LOST AN ARM.

Maybe it's not the most horrific American Girl Doll story, but it's the one that makes me cry the most.  Even when I'm just telling it to other people.  Which I do a lot.

To sum up, American history was rough, and I'd like to personally thank the American Girl Dolls for not dumbing it down for us 9-year-old girls.  Like Samantha, Kirsten, Felicity, and Nellie, we're tough.  Just not as tough as Addy.