Top 5 Horrifying Things That Happened to American Girl Dolls

Let's face it; in the 90s, owning an American Girl doll was like being in a cult.  Your doll (or dolls, because let's face it, if you only had one she would get lonely when you left the room and she came to life) was a testament not only to your personality but also your fashion sense.  Personally, I owned Samantha first (she IS the prettiest and richest.  And I'm pretty sure she turns into Sybil Crawley from Downton Abbey when she grows up), then I bought Kirsten (I was obsessed with the Oregan Trail and Kirsten was about the same time period; her clothes came in handy with the other dolls) and finally Josephina (her hair was the longest). But the truest, bluest American Girl owners did not only purchase the dolls, they bought and read every book of every doll out there, which frankly tought us more about history than most public schools. You may call American Girl Dolls bougeouis, but there is one thing you can't deny : their lived were EFFED UP. Here are the top 5 ways.

#5 - FELICITY MERRIMAN'S RELATIONSHIP WITH HER MOTHER

In Felicity's 3rd book "Merry Christmas, Felicity," Felicity is invited to the Governer's Ball, which is pretty much equivalent to being on the list for Vanity Fair's Oscar Party. And, like any girl in either situation, Felicity becomes obsessed with wearing the perfect dress to the ball. So obsessed that she pressures her mother into finishing the dress, until her mother gets so sick she almost dies.  Luckily, Felicity still makes it to the ball. Oh, and her mom lives - which is more than I can say for a lot of the characters in the American Girl Doll series...

#4 NELLIE, HER PARENTS, AND THE FACTORY

Nellie isn't an original American Girl Doll - she's actually Samantha's poor friend, and Sam's neighbor's servant.  But in "Samantha Learns a Lesson," Nellie proves she can do a lot more than polish the silver - she tells Samantha about her life working in a factory to support her family, and describes in detail how one girl got her scalp ripped off in the machine.  Let me repeat that for you - one girl got her SCALP RIPPED OFF in a machine.  Shit. Gets. Real.  Luckily for Nellie, her life gets a lot easier..I mean, after her parents die and she and her sisters are placed in a cruel orphanage, Samantha breaks them out and hides them in her uncle's attic until he adopts them.  Sure, Nellie's story ends happily...but I can't help but think that after watching machine literally eat a girl, you don't come back from that.



#3 - KIRSTEN AND MARTA

Kirsten and her family make the arduous journey from Sweden to New York, and then from New York to Minnesota - so you know Kirsten is one tough chick.  But before she even gets to her new home, she has to say goodbye to her best friend, Marta.  In an incredibly touching scene Marta tells Kirsten just to look at the sun whenever she misses her, because no matter where she is in the world Marta will be looking at the same sun.

Then Marta dies.

#2 SAMANTHA'S PARENTS

We learn in the first book that Samantha is an orphan, raised by her grandmother (Grandmary - who bears a STRIKING resemblance to Maggie Smith.  Again, #Downton Abbey). But we learn in the 4th book, "Samantha Saves the Day," just exactly HOW her parents came to meet Jesus.  And it ain't pretty.  Long story short, they drowned outside their summer home - and Samantha and her cousins nearly meet the same end as well when they go on a boating adventure.  Sidebar: how exactly was 9-year-old Samantha able to save herself and her cousins when her parents, who were presumably in their late 20s/early 30s, couldn't? You know she has some lifelong guilt over that.

#1 ADDIE, HER WHOLE LIFE, BUT ESPECIALLY HER BROTHER

Addie, the escaped slave who needs to learn how to read in the first book, is far and away the most baller of the American Girl Dolls.  But since Addy's whole life-story is bad-ass, let's just focus on her relationship with her brother.  

In the first book, Addy watches her brother whipped and then sold to another plantation.  We know nothing about his whereabout until the fourth book, "Happy Birthday, Addy!" when Addy is performing at a State Fair.  She's using a puppet and having him tell jokes to the audience, telling jokes that her older brother used to tell her.  Then she hears a familiar voice in the crowd: "That riddle's so easy, my baby sister could answer it!" Addy runs out from behind the stage to find her brother, who had also escaped from his plantation and had fought in the Civil War.  Joyful tears abound.  And now you're asking, 'What's so horrific about that, Meredith?'

Um, well, he also LOST AN ARM.

Maybe it's not the most horrific American Girl Doll story, but it's the one that makes me cry the most.  Even when I'm just telling it to other people.  Which I do a lot.

To sum up, American history was rough, and I'd like to personally thank the American Girl Dolls for not dumbing it down for us 9-year-old girls.  Like Samantha, Kirsten, Felicity, and Nellie, we're tough.  Just not as tough as Addy.

My Year of a Million Dates

Or, At Least It Felt That Way.

2011 was my year of first dates.  After being dumped three days before New Year’s Eve (by text message – yeah, he was a real sweetheart) I decided I was ready for a Real Boyfriend.  Not some actor/musician/waiter who would cheat on me, but someone who genuinely liked me, who I had things in common with, who bought me dinner without mentioning how broke he was.  Obviously, online dating was my only option.



STAY AWAY FROM ME



You might be wondering WHY I felt I had to turn to the internet for dates.  Being 23, blonde, smart, attractive and humble (just kidding about that last one) it wasn’t so much that I had a problem getting dates in general.  It was that every guy I met at a bar was a musician/actor/waiter.  And unless you live in Los Angele and dated one of those, you don’t understand how much I DON’T WANT TO DATE THEM ANYMORE.  But that’s another story.  Online dating appealed to me because I could screen for guys who had a job, were slightly older than me, and could string enough words together to make a complete sentence.  What could go wrong?

 
THE DATES

Well, my first date actually didn’t go horribly, per se.  He was an attractive USC graduate who was teaching and trying to break into the film industry and we met a few days later for Thai food.   While it wasn’t the worst date I’ve ever been on, it certainly wasn’t the best.  Bachelor #1 was incredibly self-involved and had trouble talking about anything besides himself, except for how attractive he thought I was.  He was constantly interrupting me to say I had pretty eyes, and he kept looking at the other tables and commenting on how their dates weren’t going as well as ours.  Clearly this was not a romance for the ages.

Bachelors #2-4 didn’t spark my interest, even though #4 looked great on paper and took me out several times, there was just no chemistry.  Bachelor #5 kissed me with gum in his mouth (I’m sorry, no), Bachelor #6 sent me some crazy text messages when I didn’t respond to him right away, and Bachelor #7 and I stopped talking after we got into a fight about Harry Potter (I think it’s a cultural phenomenon, he had no intention of reading them OR seeing the movies. Gross). Bachelors 8 and 9 were sweet, but again no chemistry… #10 was really great when we went out for drinks but then only wanted to meet me in private for our second date so I was convinced he was a serial killer. #11 was clearly gay, #12 was intensely boring and negative, and #13 was so immature I felt like I was babysitting him (he actually ran up the “down” escalator and into a whole bunch of people in a misguided attempt to impress me). Most of the guys were cute and sweet but there was no one I wanted to see more than three times.

The biggest problem with online dating is that it always feels like there’s someone better out there for you.  OKCupid, Match.com or Eharmony (if you’re a homophobe) are just hiding him from you! I would leave a perfectly good date only to check my messages on my phone and think “well…this next guy works for NASA! I better wait until I go out with him before I get too serious with this other guy.”

Who knows, maybe the next guy I meet
will be Jake Gyllenhaal?

It also ruined any chemistry I had with anyone.  I became a master at hooking these poor guys who think they don’t have to play the mind-games that come with dating, because if you’re looking online it’s generally assumed that you’re desperate.  So these men would be completely honest and open about their interest in me and all I was looking for was a challenge.  I would go on up to three dates before I lost my interest and started the phase-out period.

BEING A COLD-HEARTED BITCH



My heart, after online dating for a year.



Do I sound like a cold-hearted bitch? It’s just a product of my online-dating environment. When you’re searching for an organic connection in an age of personal information ubiquitously available on the internet with a seemingly unlimited amount of men willing to take you out for coffee, drinks, and dinner, men just become expendable.  And that’s a horrible way to think about human beings.

I miss the days when meeting someone left me with the feeling of unlimited possibilities and butterflies, rather than an obligatory text and an apathetic attitude. I used to be the nice girl.  The girl guys stopped talking to, rather than the other way around.  Isn’t it weird that I want to go back to feeling hopelessly romantic rather than constantly guilty?

So in December, after a year of first, second, and third dates, I’ve stopped.  All of it.  I deleted my profile and I don’t give out my number at bars – instead I tell them to facebook friend me and keep in touch until I’m ready to start dating again. I still believe that online dating is a great way to meet people – a few of my friends that I’ve convinced to start are now in relationships because of it! And maybe my poor, post-breakup heart just wasn’t ready to start dating again so soon.  Maybe I’m too picky, or maybe they really just all weren’t good enough.  But I think the most important thing I want to take from this whole experience (and subsequent dating hiatus) is that if you’re a goal-oriented perfectionist personality like I am, you can’t approach dating the same way you approach other projects in your life.  It’s never going to be perfect, but hopefully one day it’ll be right.  

-m

From me... to me

We all deserve little treats now and then.
But I deserve TWO treats. Not just because, well, it's me, but because its my birthday in exactly ONE week. (tick tock, people)
In celebration of the day on which we celebrate the momentous occurrence of my arrival on the planet, I've decided to treat myself to not one, but TWO Chanel lipsticks. Behold:

Chanel Rouge Allure Velvet Lip Color in L'Exquise (how fab is that?)

Chanel Rouge Allure Velvet Lip Color in La Furtive (for my coy days)

and of course, I'm springing for the gratuitous but strangely rewarding gift wrapping.



oh, and in case you haven't figured it out,  I really like my birthday.

conundrum of the century

Ok, so I have one of those problems that isn't ACTUALLY a problem. Here it is:

I can't decide what my body shape is.



I told you it wasn't a real problem.

Here's why this has become a concern: I have the great (not)misfortuen of being completely balanced, figure-wise. Proportionally, i'm shaped like a mannequin (again, this is not a real problem). Usually, this is fine. But inevitably, every magazine always has a "dress your body" or "best ____ for your shape!" and I always feel a little left out. Am I a pear or a flute? Boyish or curvy? It's left me with a bit of an identity crisis. I have the same problem with my skin; I have combination, but super-acne prone skin that scars and tans easily and is sometimes super oily. But thats another conversation. Back to the issue at hand.
So when I read these stories about body shapes, what should I do? Just pick whatever dress I want? Anarchy. Anarchy, I say!

or, you know, I can just rely on my own fabulous taste.









See? Not a real problem.