2011 was my year of first dates. After being dumped three days before New Year’s Eve (by text message – yeah, he was a real sweetheart) I decided I was ready for a Real Boyfriend. Not some actor/musician/waiter who would cheat on me, but someone who genuinely liked me, who I had things in common with, who bought me dinner without mentioning how broke he was. Obviously, online dating was my only option.
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| STAY AWAY FROM ME |
You might be wondering WHY I felt I had to turn to the internet for dates. Being 23, blonde, smart, attractive and humble (just kidding about that last one) it wasn’t so much that I had a problem getting dates in general. It was that every guy I met at a bar was a musician/actor/waiter. And unless you live in Los Angele and dated one of those, you don’t understand how much I DON’T WANT TO DATE THEM ANYMORE. But that’s another story. Online dating appealed to me because I could screen for guys who had a job, were slightly older than me, and could string enough words together to make a complete sentence. What could go wrong?
THE DATES
Well, my first date actually didn’t go horribly, per se. He was an attractive USC graduate who was teaching and trying to break into the film industry and we met a few days later for Thai food. While it wasn’t the worst date I’ve ever been on, it certainly wasn’t the best. Bachelor #1 was incredibly self-involved and had trouble talking about anything besides himself, except for how attractive he thought I was. He was constantly interrupting me to say I had pretty eyes, and he kept looking at the other tables and commenting on how their dates weren’t going as well as ours. Clearly this was not a romance for the ages.
Bachelors #2-4 didn’t spark my interest, even though #4 looked great on paper and took me out several times, there was just no chemistry. Bachelor #5 kissed me with gum in his mouth (I’m sorry, no), Bachelor #6 sent me some crazy text messages when I didn’t respond to him right away, and Bachelor #7 and I stopped talking after we got into a fight about Harry Potter (I think it’s a cultural phenomenon, he had no intention of reading them OR seeing the movies. Gross). Bachelors 8 and 9 were sweet, but again no chemistry… #10 was really great when we went out for drinks but then only wanted to meet me in private for our second date so I was convinced he was a serial killer. #11 was clearly gay, #12 was intensely boring and negative, and #13 was so immature I felt like I was babysitting him (he actually ran up the “down” escalator and into a whole bunch of people in a misguided attempt to impress me). Most of the guys were cute and sweet but there was no one I wanted to see more than three times.
The biggest problem with online dating is that it always feels like there’s someone better out there for you. OKCupid, Match.com or Eharmony (if you’re a homophobe) are just hiding him from you! I would leave a perfectly good date only to check my messages on my phone and think “well…this next guy works for NASA! I better wait until I go out with him before I get too serious with this other guy.”
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| Who knows, maybe the next guy I meet will be Jake Gyllenhaal? |
It also ruined any chemistry I had with anyone. I became a master at hooking these poor guys who think they don’t have to play the mind-games that come with dating, because if you’re looking online it’s generally assumed that you’re desperate. So these men would be completely honest and open about their interest in me and all I was looking for was a challenge. I would go on up to three dates before I lost my interest and started the phase-out period.
BEING A COLD-HEARTED BITCH
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| My heart, after online dating for a year. |
Do I sound like a cold-hearted bitch? It’s just a product of my online-dating environment. When you’re searching for an organic connection in an age of personal information ubiquitously available on the internet with a seemingly unlimited amount of men willing to take you out for coffee, drinks, and dinner, men just become expendable. And that’s a horrible way to think about human beings.
I miss the days when meeting someone left me with the feeling of unlimited possibilities and butterflies, rather than an obligatory text and an apathetic attitude. I used to be the nice girl. The girl guys stopped talking to, rather than the other way around. Isn’t it weird that I want to go back to feeling hopelessly romantic rather than constantly guilty?
So in December, after a year of first, second, and third dates, I’ve stopped. All of it. I deleted my profile and I don’t give out my number at bars – instead I tell them to facebook friend me and keep in touch until I’m ready to start dating again. I still believe that online dating is a great way to meet people – a few of my friends that I’ve convinced to start are now in relationships because of it! And maybe my poor, post-breakup heart just wasn’t ready to start dating again so soon. Maybe I’m too picky, or maybe they really just all weren’t good enough. But I think the most important thing I want to take from this whole experience (and subsequent dating hiatus) is that if you’re a goal-oriented perfectionist personality like I am, you can’t approach dating the same way you approach other projects in your life. It’s never going to be perfect, but hopefully one day it’ll be right.
-m
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